i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My work here is don’t.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk