Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am