My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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North and South
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.