I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics