Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die