20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Brands during Pride
A leaf blower, but for people.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.