By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!