I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
File under excellent bookstore names.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse