*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The Sun’s probably Asian.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!