Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
You Might Also Like
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
U talkin 2 me?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’