BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.