Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You Might Also Like
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.