If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
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10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Pringles
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”