God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I think the cat got the dog high.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store