[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?