[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
You Might Also Like
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
me working on my assignments ^-^
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.