I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet