guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning