If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.