Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I’m listening
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.