age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters