Two types of dogs.
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Somebody call the cops.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.