BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”