My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
ok like just. call me at this point
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Friday night party time 🥳
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.