The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
You Might Also Like
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.