Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….