If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers