“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.