Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.