This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
How high do the levels go?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse