ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
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My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”