Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.