Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
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BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!