Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You Might Also Like
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed