One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.