he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Perfection.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.