The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.