“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
britain’s three elite institutions
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.