pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I have never related to a cat more
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.