Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
work smarter, not harder
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Terribly Tuesday.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.