Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.