I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
even bears disappoint their mothers
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
my fav colour is also hitler
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.