COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Twitter is the new flypaper.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?