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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
📽️movie date🎞️
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Still cracks me up
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)