Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
You Might Also Like
translated into Canadian
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
set yourself free xox
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.