I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
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Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?