Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”