A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Oh the world we live in…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?