ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
You Might Also Like
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
next question.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.