The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.